Foolproofing My LifeDo you have any consistently-difficult relationships in your life? You know, a relationship that just never seems to be "right" no matter how hard you try? The more you try to help and the closer you draw to them, the more you get hurt? This person (or people) keeps doing the same thing over and over again, time after time, year after year, and no matter how much you try to get them to see it or "help" them get it right, they just keep at it, and you keep getting hurt?
Well, you may have a fool in your life. Shoot - you may be the fool in your OWN life!
Over the last year, God put me in several relationships like this. I never knew why these relationships were difficult. They were always awkward at best, and downright toxic at their worst. They just seemed like constant work - and the harder I worked at helping or drawing close to them, the more I got hurt. Didn't matter what I did for them or how I approached the problem - I always ended up getting hurt, feeling like I was hit by a train out of nowhere - then made to feel like I was the one at fault - in spite of there being no impression by God that I had indeed done something wrong.
Things always seemed to get turned around on me. In "Christian love", I would address certain areas of weakness with these individuals, find myself covering for it (to "help" them of course), and then find myself on the defensive getting attacked for bringing it up. I was paying the price for their decisions and didn't know it, all the while thinking I was helping them. It was like this huge, stronghold of power that could not be confronted - and must be defended at all costs - striking down anything that would threaten it.
Several weeks ago a dangerous situation popped up where one of these difficult relationship reared its ugly head once again, and I reached out to a friend for advice on dealing with it. He said "It sounds like you're dealing with a fool", and recommended reading a book called "Foolproofing Your Life".
Well, he was right on. After reading that book, several of those relationships made sense. It was the first time I'd ever thought of another person really being a fool. I was dealing with foolishness. Foolishness is seen when a person repeats a pattern of behavior for a long time that won't change, and when confronted defends it. They are not correctable. Foolishness is especially hard to accept when the role this person has in your life is supposed to be one of authority or have respect.
The book likens drawing close to help a genuine fool to hugging a fan. The closer you embrace the fan, the more the fan blades chop you up and hurt you. Hugging a fan is foolishness in itself!
When fools are confronted about their foolish behavior, they refuse to address it and defend it, continuing the problem. They often turn it around on you and make you feel bad for bringing it up. In the fool's worldview, they are right - you are wrong - and anything that threatens them must be destroyed. They shut their ears, and the fan blades whine higher and higher - chopping you up. You become the problem because you are fundamentally threatening their position in their own life. The fan blades tear at you. Their destructive behavior continues on and on, time after time, year after year, and the fool goes on about their life none the wiser - failing to see the carnage about them. Eventually, the fan is left spinning away on its own power, with those who drew near left chopped up and wounded.
How I wish I'd read this many years ago! It would have saved me much heartache! It also would have revealed the foolishness in my own life in how I was attempting to "help" these fools!
For whatever reason, God saw fit to bring several of these relationships into my own life over the past year. At the time I was in the mix of those relationships, I thought I was there to help them. My role was to somehow serve them, save them and be strong where they were weak. If I could just get them to see what it is everyone else outside of them sees, they would adjust their behavior and have a joyful life and see success.
But I was so wrong in trying to help in this manner. The problem with this type of foolishness is that it ends up ensnaring and controlling you. You end up covering for it. Instead of the fool paying the consequences for their actions, you end up stepping in the way and paying the price. You then enable the fool to continue their behavior since it doesn't affect them.
The fool keeps you locked in their control by turning the situation around on you. Subtle manipulation and deception come into play, orchestrated by the fool. A little spin here, a little spin there - a forgotten conversation here, a play on words there, a mischaracterization of this there. Over time the fool gets very good at this because this is how they must prop up their world. The truth threatens them. Since they are number one in their life (their agenda, their desires), nothing must threaten them, or they will no longer be number one. You are really just a tool to them in accomplishing their ends.
I didn't realize that it was foolishness to try and help a hardened fool, that somehow it was my responsibility to see the foolishness changed. No! It was God's! God is the only one who can change a fool like that. By drawing near and giving help to the fool, you end up enabling the fool. The answer is to put up boundaries and limit exposure to the fool. The fool isn't for you - they are for themselves - and they will use you up and suck you dry to feed their foolishness.
So, I'm much wiser now that I have learned to identify foolishness. I'm much wiser for learning to deal with it the right way. I'm much happier now that I've learned it is ok to separate from fools for your own protection. I've learned it is not my responsibility to change a fool's heart, but God's.
I'm so thankful that God allowed me to see my naivity in dealing with fools!
